life in minnesota

Tags

freedom in christ, healing, holy spirit, mercy, missions, transformation, transition, twin cities area

It’s been about thirteen months since I moved back to the Twin Cities area and much has happened in my life and heart in that time.  My move was a “suddenly” of the Lord that I thought would be followed by many more of those.  My life here has been mostly not what I expected but it has been everything that I need.  Instead of a swirl of activity and ministry, much of my time is spent resting and waiting.  Instead of suddenlies, I’m experiencing a lot of rebirth of hopes and dreams and realizing how much the Lord has put within me that I’ve never laid hold of.

I had plans to be busy in ministry and felt the Lord tell me not to do so, only to find that things weren’t as they had been put forth to me.  My Father knew my heart couldn’t handle it.  I’ve had friends walk away because I’m the not the same person I was four years ago when I moved to Kansas City.  People who love Jesus but didn’t know how to love me in a very broken state.  As painful as that’s been, I see it as the Lord’s pruning in my life, that I would be able to invest and sew into bearing more fruit in my relationships.

I think the most important and significant thing in my life in this last year or so has been a rediscovering of who I really am in Christ and living that out.  I had some serious forgiveness issues with others but mostly with myself.  The Father drew me out of my bitterness and has given me a mercy that I know flows only from His heart.  I’ve found freedom in Christ and refuse to place myself in anyone’s box of what my calling is and what my heart was created for.

And I have to say that being myself, one hundred percent of the time, is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever experienced in my life.  The Holy Spirit has rekindled the authentic Sara Elizabeth and with that has come even more hunger, love and passion for Jesus and the lost.

It’s the most rewarding thing I’ve experienced because it makes me want to draw that out in other people, to speak life and truth, to lead them to Christ, to help them find healing and forgiveness, to release captives from what has bound them, so that they find out who they are in Jesus: one who has been created to be loved by Him and love Him back.  I always thought loving Jesus was so hard, but when you just let Him love you, it’s so easy.  How can I not love Him when I see the way He loves me?

I’m not certain of what the future holds in terms of my circumstances, but I am sure that the Lord holds my heart in the palm of His hand and He likes the way He made me.  I believe in the goodness of God towards me and I hope in dreams He gives me in the night and lays on my heart by day.  My todays are filled mostly with normal activity but I feel Him working behind everything I can see.  My prayer is that my little yes’s, my tiny prayer closet, my secret garden, produces more love for Jesus in my heart and those around me each day than the last.

to be known

For a long time in my life I greatly desired to be understood completely.  I think that I thought I would feel validated or fulfilled if some one could understand what I was feeling or thinking without asking.  It never occurred to me that outside of my relationship with Jesus, this wouldn’t nor shouldn’t happen.  Unfortunately, romantic comedies from my high school and early college days combined with the “find your true love” craze our culture (even Christians) purports and the fact that I have felt relatively misunderstood for the majority of my life taught my heart to want something God never planned for me to find outside of Him.

The few experiences that I’ve had where someone (or I) thought that they understood me, got me, without asking or me sharing have ended in not the most positive manner.  So I’ve been thinking and praying about this for over a year now and have learned a great deal about the Lord.

Jesus is the only one who can truly understand and know who I am and what I am going through: my joy, sorrow, pain, growth, love for Him and so much more.  What is even more beautiful than that

ash wednesday

I am awake unreasonably late for the time I woke up and all I’ve accomplished today.  Nevertheless, I cannot sleep and as I’ve been musing about the approaching Lenten season and fasting as of late, I decided to get up and be productive in my sleeplessness.  Writing almost always settles my heart.

Many Christians my age may not be familiar or comfortable with the traditions of the church calendar.  Or for some, the calendar ‘s events may be all they are familiar with, but not the God or meaning behind them.  I believe that many in American culture and my generation in particular see empty, religious tradition and find no value because it’s not real.  And I can’t argue one bit with them.  I don’t like tradition for the sake of tradition; I believe in focusing on Jesus in every part of my day, let alone my year, but Lent has always been a unique season for my heart.  Perhaps this is because it was how I first begun learning about fasting and sacrifice and how that positioned my heart before the Lord.  I was raised in a charismatic Lutheran church (yes they do exist, and no they are not contradictory) and I’m grateful for the understanding my pastor shed on the few traditional “holy days” our church recognized.  Lent was a sacred season in our community and a time focused on the nearness of Jesus because of His sacrifice.  I’ve been thinking about all of this over the last few weeks and dialoguing with the Lord about how to set this season apart in a manner that will speak of who He is to those around me.

I believe the Lord is inviting ones who will hear to fast in this season, not just Lent, but a season of His own timing unto our sanctification in the areas of our attitudes and speech.  I want to wear the ashes of Ash Wednesday, the symbol of repentance and humility, on my heart.  I believe that Philippians 2:14-16 is the call of this season.  That we would leave behind all complaining and arguing and that that would make us signs and wonders to our broken generation.

In theory it’s so simple yet the execution is no paltry matter; however, when the Lord invites, there is always grace.

the latest political gimmick: the name of Jesus

I’ve been trying to keep up with the all of the candidates of the 2012 Presidential race: the new, the repeats and the whirlwind around them all.  With so many possibilities, I believe it is important to read up on the personal character, beliefs and values, voting history, improvements and success in their political experience, and approval rating from his or her constituents.  In the process of doing so, I’ve found that I’m concerned about some reasoning I’ve read for conservative Christians supporting particularly outspoken Christian candidates.

Before I continue, I’d like to clarify: I believe Jesus is the answer to our (and every) nation’s multitude of social, economic, spiritual and environmental problems.  Absolutely only He can make the wrong things right and bring everything back to life.

My concern largely circles around a few things that I’ve read that seem like blind support because Candidate A, B, or C is a Jesus-professing Christian.  While I would LOVE to see a spirit-filled, revival- and redemption-focused president leading my nation, I also desire one who has the ability to administrate rightly in all spheres of his leadership. 

I was watching an interview with a candidate professing belief in Jesus Christ and was astounded.  When asked why approval ratings were better out of state than in the state where this candidate currently presides in an office, the response given was (and I quote) “A prophet isn’t well-received in his home-town”.  While indeed this is a biblical truth, is it appropriate for this political official to claim the status of a prophet and then in turn blame his lack of approval from his state on that?  When examined further, it seems that his constituents may well have good ground to stand upon: in this particular candidate’s term his state has a record budget deficit, the third highest poverty rate in the nation and a third of the residents in this state are uninsured.  Rather than an overspiritualized mis-quotation of Scripture, I’d rather hear this candidate’s explanation for such a mess under his leadership.

Another candidate that causes me to pause is one from my own state.  She has recently linked arms with a well-known television preacher.  What’s he best known for?  The prosperity gospel: just what our country needs, right?

Boiled down and sifted, my point is this: as a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, I believe that it is incumbent upon me to not be swept away with words but to look at the facts as I prayerfully consider who to vote for in the next presidential election.  I long for the government of Jesus, but I know that an election in this nation will never bring that, only His return can.  To look for a candidate to release the government and justice of Jesus would be welcoming an antichrist.  Please read carefully, I am not asserting that any of these candidates are an antichrist.  Our hope must be in Jesus alone, not in a president.

healing the broken heart

Tags

broken heart, example of Jesus, healing, holy spirit, love

The broken and healing heart has been the topic of much of my thinking this week.  That unbeknownst to friends, it has also dominated several conversations I had, well I mostly just tried to listen.

A broken heart is a complicated thing because there is usually such pain and affection involved.  I think when a heart feels pain, the sting of rejection, loss or disappointment, it can be so easy to withdraw and regret the emotions felt, love given, and words spoken.  Out of a desire to comprehend the outcome of a relationship, situation or difficult fact of life, we try to separate ourselves from it in our emotions and proximity to it.

 I believe what this really comes down to is dealing with shame and not truly understanding what love looks like.  We feel ashamed that the love we gave and the vulnerability we showed was not received in the manner we hoped or expected and we allow another’s response to dictate whether our love was real or not.  Thus, we invalidate ourselves, our hearts, our emotions, our love, affection and encouragement, as not real, or illogical.  We forget that any love that we show forth comes from the Holy Spirit and that it is received only through the enablement of the Holy Spirit.

When we look to Jesus, we see the revelation of what true love and walking out a broken heart looks like.  He felt our every pain and knows our every sorrow, but not just in theory, Christ walked among His bride, loved her, taught her, encouraged her.  Indeed much of His behavior may not be classified as “logical.”  And for the most part, He was despised and His love rejected.  Thankfully our Bridegroom Jesus chose to walk with His heart open, not taking His love back or trying to make sense of the responses He received.  He chose vulnerability, mercy, and love over bitterness, judgment and unforgiveness.  He didn’t build up walls, He sacrificed Himself entirely for love.

If you have a broken heart over anything, I want to encourage you to keep your heart open.  Don’t take your love or words back, even in your own mind.  Fight accusations and lies that say you were foolish for giving and sharing yourself.  Break your agreement with the lie that our culture feeds us that love is only love when it’s reciprocated.  Lean into the heart of Jesus, He knows your pain and His heart is broken with you.

This is the place of healing for the broken heart.  Open surrender and commitment to continue to love, no matter the cost.  The Father will cover you with His wings and you will rise.

write the vision and make it plain

Tags

calling, prophets, waiting on the Lord, writing

I’ve been asking the Lord the past few months for understanding on who I am as a writer.  I am skilled and trained, and I know He’s called me to it, but it seems that sometimes I just have nothing to write about.  That worries me, or well it has worried me, I should say.  I’m beginning to understand that when I have nothing to write, it’s either because I’m not listening or He doesn’t want me to say anything at that particular time.

During these months I have seen a direct correlation between my dreams and writing activity.  It appears, upon observation, that as the Lord instructs my heart in the night season through my dreams that then my mind is stirred by the revelation upon my heart and these things scream inside of me to get out, so I HAVE to write.  I’m learning how I am called as a scribe of the Lord, not to create fanciful stories from my own mind but to see the vision, to write it, and make it plain to the people.  It’s as though I am overtaken by this call when it comes, and I am learning to wait for that instead of conjure up my own important things to say.  I believe this is unto souls being saved, healed and delivered, not unto me ever developing a fan base.  And so I wait.  Waiting on the Lord is always challenging and provoking, isn’t it?

So I’m mulling all of this over this morning during my quiet time and I kept hearing the Lord say, write the vision and make it plain, over and over.  I went flipping through the prophets and was stunned when I found that Habakkuk 2:1-4 reads:

 ”¹ I will stand my watch
      And set myself on the rampart,
      And watch to see what He will say to me,
      And what I will answer when I am corrected.
² Then the LORD answered me and said: 
      “ Write the vision
      And make it plain on tablets,
      That he may run who reads it.
       ³ For the vision is yet for an appointed time;
      But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie.
      Though it tarries, wait for it;
      Because it will surely come,
      It will not tarry.
       ⁴ “ Behold the proud,
      His soul is not upright in him;
      But the just shall live by his faith. “

Beloved, whatever He has given for you to do, He will do it so that those who read, sing, watch, experience may run into His heart.  May we never forget that.

memoriam

Tags

Honduras, loneliness, longing, memories, missions, re-entry, waiting

Last Tuesday night was rather blustery.  The sky filled with dark blues and blacks around 5:30 and it rained on and off until I went to bed.  It wasn’t that chilly so we had the windows open and I spent much of the night reading.  I made brownies and folded laundry as they baked and cooled.  That’s a pretty typical September night but the whole time I kept feeling as though I had done these exact things, with the same weather, breeze and baked goods.

My first bite of brownie transported me back 4 years to my home with the Schultz family in Honduras.  And I remembered that I had (well almost) had this same evening’s events before.  So I spent the rest of my time reminiscing about when I lived in Honduras: the good and the bad.  What’s so interesting is that the things I wrestle with are still the same as back then, but the position of my heart is not.

I’m in a culture pretty foreign to the one I’ve been in for the last 3 years, I feel the pain of loneliness and waiting, and I’m desperately wanting to know the Father more and feel His touch.

At first this realization frightened me, I don’t want to be stagnant and caught in my own vicious cycle.  But the response of my heart to each of those things, and plenty more to be honest, is different.  I know that I have a good Shepherd who leads me perfectly, a best friend in Jesus who always feels what I feel.  He is in control, not me.

I feel like that night last week was a gift from the Father.  He showed me that the trust that I have for Him in my heart in the midst of great unknowing wasn’t in existence four years ago.  He has led me through valley and mountain and will do so again, but my prayer is that I continue to have hinds’ feet to leap with Him.

5 Things You Shouldn’t Say To A Barista

Tags

barista, basic intelligence, coffee, populace of america

I regularly wonder about the average intelligence of the general populace of the United States.  Not because I think that I’m superior, but rather because I’m a barista and I get asked some of the most ridiculous questions.  ever.  The following are not imagined scenarios for your enjoyment but actual serious (not sarcastic) questions I’ve survived.  All that I really can say is, “where has common sense gone and when is it coming back?”

1.  Do you have anything to drink for sale here?

2.  So do you brew coffee and sell it?

3.  Can you make sure you put chocolate in my mocha?  I explain that a mocha is in fact defined by it including chocolate.  Okay, well it doesn’t matter how you usually make them, I want to be sure there’s chocolate in mine.

4.  Do people actually leave you tips?  What has this world come to?  Like you’re really serving us?!

5.  Probably the most frequent:  I don’t like coffee.  So can I have a large white chocolate mocha with lots of whipped cream?  Like half the cup?  And only one shot of espresso?

surrounded by the morally destitute and mentally disabled

Tags

calling, compassion, cross-culture, district court, learning impaired

Today was a whirlwind at work.  We weren’t busy, business-wise, but we had all types of other events.  I met a man whose face was practically burned off, it was raw and rotten and smelled terrible.  Another man scraped all of his change together for a cup of joe, whatever was left after paying whatever domestic fines he had.  I had an epileptic girl have a seizure and fall to the ground right before my eyes.  Yet another handicapped woman refused service from anyone else but me yet averted her gaze while speaking to me.  And those were the biggies.

I was reminded a few months ago that I would be poured out wherever I was and so willingly I moved.  I was overwhelmed by the kindness of the Lord and His leadership in my life today.  I felt as though I got to taste just a glimpse of what Jesus’ everyday life was like: conversing with criminals, looking disabled and injured people directly in their eyes, hoping that mine pulse with the Father’s love, serving (even if it’s just coffee) those who cannot help or feed themselves.

Where I work is unique in that it is located among the local district court, human services for the county and the public library.  We have all types of people come our way and I’m so grateful to have been placed in a crossroads that confronts my comfortabililty and calls me forth into love and prayer.

I don’t know if that man’s face will heal, or if Rachel’s seizures will stop, or if Michelle will one day get to share the opinions she vocalizes so emphatically with words.  But I do know that I am grateful to get to love on them whatever way I can, and that the Father hears my prayers for them.

thoughts on forgiveness

Tags

beauty, forgiveness, holy spirit, romans 1, transformation

Earlier this week I had a kairos moment in Romans.  The latter half of chapter one is about the Lord’s attitude toward those who have known Him and yet continued to turn to their sinful ways and thus the Lord has given them up to their own devices.  Paul first addresses idolatry, sexual sin and homosexuality.  It’s like he starts off with the obvious offenses and then works slowly into the more insidious, internal sins because the sins of the mind and the heart at the end.

“28 And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; 29 being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality, wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, 30 backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, 31 undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving, unmerciful; 32 who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them.”

It’s so simple and I’ve known it in my HEAD forever but my kairos realization was: unforgiveness in my heart equals a debased mind which in turn equals me rejecting the knowledge of God.  All three of those things aren’t anything I want to describe me.  It’s easier to say with your mouth that you forgive someone or the outcome of a situation than it is to truly bless them with your heart and walk in forgiveness.  Unforgiveness and bitterness are brothers, they feed eachother and make those they abide in heartsick unto death.  Receiving the knowledge of God in my heart will fill me with love for His people and His heart, certainly filled with mercy and forgiveness, for them.

Forgiveness is a moment by moment choice to let go and trust the Father for my good.  It is a decision to trust the Lord with my heart and my circumstances and release all claims of justice at the foot of the cross.  It is to be filled with compassion and pray fervently for the blessing of the Lord upon those who have hurt me.  It is to cover a multitude of sins with love and discretion.  To forgive is to release from shame and guilt and to free broken people to continue to live in relationship with me: a broken person.

Forgiveness is difficult and humbling.  But it is beautiful and so worth it, because it makes us more like Jesus.